My forties have been a wonderful new season for me. I feel at home in my own skin; on a much deeper level than I ever have before. It’s as if I’m shedding the layers of bullshit; and finally getting down to the good stuff.
It hasn’t always been this way for me.
As a younger woman; I wasted an enormous amount of time and energy focusing on all of the things that I didn’t like about myself. I grew up in an all girls boarding school from the age of 12 to 17.
And I absolutely hated it.
I’ve always been a free spirit; and didn’t take well to being smothered by discipline, structure and conformity.
I resented being constantly told what to do and how to do it; and had a natural problem with authority. It was an extremely rigid Catholic boarding school; with old-fashioned values and principles. At the time, I thought it was hell.
But as much as I hated it; it was one of the best things that could ever have happened to me.
Why?
Because it gave me a safe place to grow up.
A place where I could just be a girl.
A place where everything was simple. No frills. Real.
My boarding school sisters and I grew up in an uncomplicated, pre-internet age.
There were no cellphones or computers to steal away our attention; so we spent hours having rambling conversations about nothing, and everything.
No one bothered to wear glossy veneers of perfection. When you’re living with a bunch of other teenage girls 24/7; there’s no room for pretending. Authenticity was the only option. We existed together - warts and all.
Because of that; we formed deep, life-long connections. A level of friendship has become more and more rare; in this day and age.
Mistakes and embarrassing moments weren’t caught on film and shared mercilessly around the net.
Instead; you got flushed cheeks, felt the burn; and moved on.
If you had a problem with someone; you hashed it out with them in person.
If you were curious about boys; you trawled through black and white year books to find hotties; and imagined what they looked like in real life.
Stalking the opposite sex took actual effort and skill back then (hehe…).
There were no beauty products allowed at our school.
The most ‘wild’ thing you could do (appearance-wise) was puff your fringe into a bubble with some bobby pins.
Our monobrows ran rampant.
We wore nomads, white blouses and granny stockings 90% of the time. Fashion wasn’t on the radar. There was no-one to impress.
And it was fabulous.
Yet still; in amongst all of this glorious, untamed freedom; I felt the pressure.
The pressure of being a girl.
When I was fourteen; I borrowed a little black dress to wear to a school dance. It was sexy and tight-fitting, and I couldn’t wait to wear it. But when I put it on; it hung like loose curtains from my tiny, unshaped hips.
I was devastated. I cried and cried; because I my bony body didn’t fill out the curves of the dress. I felt like I wasn’t pretty enough. Hot enough. Anything enough.
I felt this way completely on my own. No one told me that I wasn’t good enough. I came to that conclusion without any outside influence. Because, unfortunately; that’s what young girls are prone to do.
Girls are so susceptible; and now, more than ever; they are being pushed down the path of perfection.
I was lucky to grow up in a time where the pressure wasn’t as enormous as it is now.
I can’t imagine what it must be like to be a girl growing up in today’s world.
That is why I wanted to write this open letter.
In 2019; girls are being taught that they have to look good. Do good. Be good. That they must constantly cultivate a flawless appearance; and only show a carefully constructed facade of who they are.
Instead of making shitloads of mistakes and living with guts and passion; they are being told to be cautious.
To play it safe. To be terrified of failing.
As a female; you have a natural desire to want to be perfect.
I remember feeling it when I was younger; and hell - I still feel it now; even as an old bird.
We need to stop ingraining the idea of perfection into society. It’s poisonous. It leads to the belief that:
“If I’m not perfect, I won’t be loved or accepted.”
We don’t put this pressure on our boys; so let’s stop inflicting it onto our girls.
We need to let girls know that they don’t have to squeeze themselves into pretty little moulds.
That it’s ok for them to get out there and get messy.
To be wild and raw.
That they can (and should) jump into unfamiliar waters and take risks.
Let’s stop telling them to be ‘nice’ and ‘agreeable’; and to ‘play it safe’.
Let’s stop making them feel afraid.
Our poor girls are so busy crafting and upholding their images; that the world must be an exhausting place for them.
They must overthink everything. Agonising over how to act and behave. Analysing every angle. Always filtering themselves.
It’s not healthy for them to be preoccupied with trying to convince everybody that they are leading glossy, perfect lives. This is isolating our girls; and keeping them from having meaningful, deep connections.
If you’re not being real with yourself; how can you truly connect with anyone else?
So; to our precious girls… Here are a few little words of wisdom, to help you on your way:
Make mistakes - and heaps of them. It’s the only way to learn. Yeah; you might look like a bit of dick for a minute; but the growth that will come from the (momentary) uncomfortableness will make it worth it, tenfold. Don’t take yourself too seriously. Mistakes are just an inevitable part of your epic story.
Run wild. Fall down. Get back up. Do it all again. Don’t hold yourself back from greatness because you’re afraid of being judged or ridiculed.
Be brave and don’t be afraid to ask for what you want. Straight up. Just ask. What’s the worst that can happen? You might get turned down - but big deal. Chances are, you’ll get what you want instead.
Kick anything that brings you down to the curb. Jobs, friends, social circles. If it’s making you feel bad about yourself; it shouldn’t have a place in your life. Be ruthless about this.
Instead of focusing on your ‘image’, get to know who you are and who you aren’t. Every girl should have the freedom to do this. It’s ok to be crazy, loud, hectic, gritty, adventurous - or whatever the hell else you want to be.
You are so much more than what you look like. Stop worrying about your weight/eyebrows/how good your contour is. Despite what society is trying to tell you; these things do not determine how beautiful you are. Instead, try to simply relish living.
Be your own cheerleader. Don’t seek outside approval. Sure, it’s nice to hear it from outsiders. But you don’t need anyone else’s endorsement to know that you’re incredible.
I was blessed to have grown up in simpler times. However; in many ways, I envy you. Right now is an amazing and exciting time to be a girl. The fight for equality has paved a beautiful path for your generation; and for all those that will follow.
Throw away the idea of being perfect.
There’s so much freedom and messiness and magic out there; just waiting for you to enjoy it all!
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