Many moons ago; I found myself thrust into the most difficult role of my life. A role that I never imagined I would ever have to play.
I became a single mama.
I had been in relationship from the age of 19 onwards; so when my 11 year marriage ended; it was a massive shock to the system.
There was little time to wallow in self pity, though; as there were two beautiful children in the equation, who also needed to adapt to this new way of life.
Our daughter had just turned 13; and our son was only 6 years old.
They were on opposite ends of the spectrum; in terms of the type of support that they needed. Although I barely knew how everything was going to play out at the time; I knew one thing with absolute certainty.
Their wellbeing would come first and foremost. Always.
After any relationship ends; a period of ‘unbraiding’ is needed.
When your life has been so entwined with someone else’s; you have to learn how the world works without them by your side.
When I first became a single mama; I didn’t know what I liked or didn’t like; when it was just me. I didn’t know what I enjoyed or valued.
I literally didn’t know who I was outside of my marriage.
I was in un-chartered territory; and I had to solo navigate my way through these rocky new waters.
Part of the ‘unbraiding’ process involved the children and I moving to a brand new town. We moved into a little beachside apartment; that blessed us with blank, white walls and fresh new energy.
It was the first time in my entire life that I had ever been responsible for my very own place. Paying bills. Arranging the decor. Doing the grocery shopping.
It was terrifying. Anxiety-inducing.
And absolutely liberating.
I had expected to spend all of my time weeping into my pillows and lamenting this tragic turn in my life. Don’t get me wrong. I did more than my fair share of just that.
However; in amongst all the tears and anguish; I began to experience increasing bursts of exhilaration.
These bursts caught me by surprise; in the middle of the most random moments.
Like when I was rearranging the furniture at 3am in the morning while blasting Geoff Buckley. Because. I. Fucking. Felt. Like. It.
Or when I was showering after the kids were fast asleep; secure in the knowledge that NO-ONE was going to creep in and invade my sacred alone time.
I was shocked by how free I felt. I had spent my married life feeling sorry for single women. I had ignorantly imagined how difficult and lonely their lives must be. So it took me by surprise to feel so invigorated by my own sudden singledom.
I began to enjoy the process of learning to be a stand-alone entity.
However; there was one thing that really put a dampener on my euphoria.
And that thing was struggle. By struggle; I mean having to deal with the things that I had previously taken for granted while having a man in the home. Things that weren’t ‘my domain’.
Like changing light bulbs. Putting oil in the car.
Opening impossible-to-open jars*.
Scratching my own back**.
When I first attempted to pack my son’s bike into the car for a trip to the park; it ended in tears and fury.
I didn’t realise the physical strength or packing skills that went into such a simple trip. What would normally be a two minute exercise with a man involved; turned into a rage-filled sob fest.
But you know what? I got there in the end.
I adjusted. I adapted. I learnt.
With each moment of struggle; I got that little bit stronger. That little bit more capable.
I began to morph into a Strong Independent Woman (SIW). Overtime, it started to feel like a drug.
“Ok, so I can lift this heavy-arse desk out of storage all on my own… What CAN’T I do?”
When you begin to thrive as a strong single mama; that attitude of independence infuses into every aspect of your life. It’s a hard habit to break.
By the time I flew out on this adventure; I felt like I had reached the pinnacle of SIW-ness. I had my own tool kit (in hot pink) which I used regularly. I put together my own furniture, changed my rear car lights, and did meaty things on the reg.
I’ve always thought that becoming fiercely independent was a good thing. My strong sense of self-reliance is something that I’ve carefully crafted and developed over the years. It took a long time to learn how to operate in a mode where I don’t need to depend on anyone other than myself.
This is an amazing skill to have; however I have come to the conclusion that it may be holding me back.
I’ve become conditioned to believing that everything must be done by me; and by me alone. I expect, by default, that things are going to be hard. That everything will; of course, be a struggle.
A struggle that I will no doubt overcome, and triumph over. But a struggle; nonetheless.
I have come to the realisation that I am so deep in this mindset; that it is probably holding me back from moving onto better things.
I need to reframe my thinking; in the same way that I had to when I first became a single mama.
I have to realise that it may be time for me to retire the trusty ‘struggle armoury’ that I have constantly kept at hand over the last few years.
Maybe; now that my beautiful babies are more grown up, it could be time for me to take a deep breath, let go, and stop operating in single mama mode.
Could it be time for me to finally exhale; and view the world from a place of love and trust?
If I want to move on to a higher level of living; I’m going to have release my old ways of thinking.
If I don’t change my mindset, situations are going to keep manifesting in my life that will keep me in struggle street. I will subconsciously keep returning to the place that I am most familiar with.
And I don’t want to go there anymore.
It’s time for me to accept that things can and WILL happen for me with ease and flow.
The kids are ok. I am ok. I’ve gotten through some hellish times. I survived. I conquered.
From today onwards I’m going to pat myself on the back, and gracefully let go of the habit of hardship.
I am going to trust that it will all be ok.
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