I remember being poolside as a young woman in my twenties; watching older women as they sunbathed in their bikinis.
Their thighs and bellies were much larger than mine; yet they were happily splayed out on loungers, without a care in the world.
While I awkwardly made sure my body was draped in a towel the second I left the water; they confidently had their expanses of loose flesh on glorious display.
No fucks given.
I viewed them with a sense of wonder and envy. Admiring their relaxed confidence. Imaging how lovely it would feel to enjoy the sunshine and water on my skin; without worrying about how my body looked in a swimsuit. I saw them as being blissfully free from the societal pressures placed upon women; and looked forward to being middle aged myself, so that I too could one day feel comfortable in my own skin.
I am going to be 42 years old in a couple of months. Although I am now definitely middle aged; I am still no closer to feeling free from the impossible beauty standards that are placed upon us women.
In fact, I have seen a dramatic increase in the level of those expectations lately; driven heavily by social media. The bar of what is considered ‘good enough’ continues to rise and rise to dizzying heights.
Throughout time, there has always been preoccupation with women’s looks. However the value placed upon it by society has now reached epic proportions.
The pressure to look good at all times is now at a ridiculously high level. There used to be certain periods in females lives where we were ‘let off the hook’, so to say. Where society would momentarily back off and let us just exist as simple human beings. Sacred times, where we were free from being harshly judged on our appearance. Puberty, pregnancy, old age; for example.
These days there is no ‘down time’ in a woman’s life. Young girls are expected to look expertly preened and ‘put together’ with flawless hair and makeup from their early teens.
There is no ‘awkward’ period anymore.
Pregnancy and having an infant is no longer an excuse to ‘let yourself go’. Women are expected to unveil their ‘snapback’ pics as soon as
possible after giving birth. Scroll through social media and you will see celebrities and influencers being praised for how quickly their bodies emerge ‘unscathed’ from the childbirth process.
And us old birds don’t get off any easier either. You only have to see the new wave of older women with tight faces and impossibly perky boobs, to know that ageing is no longer an excuse to not be ‘hot’ either. The pressure to look good has intensified across the board.
We are meddling with our faces and bodies earlier - and later - than ever before in life. Botox is no longer the domain of ageing women trying to buy themselves a few more years. Teenagers are using it as a ‘preventative’ medicine; before they have even had the chance to experience a natural wrinkle, gifted to them by time.
The beauty industry is there waiting; catering to our every insecurity. Tantalisingly offering to turn us into everything we wish we could be.
Promising to ‘fix us’ with mummy makeovers, plump lips, peachy butts and vaginal rejuvenations. As if we are broken in the first place.
Social media is awash with images of beautiful people; flaunting body proportions that can literally only be bought - never naturally attained.
Yet our young people look at these images and wonder why their bodies don’t look this way.
I recently read an awesome article by Casey Edwards about the amount of money New Zealand women in their 20s and 30s are spending on ‘basic’ beauty routines each year. (You can read the article by clicking here.) The women interviewed considered the following treatments to be ‘standard maintenance services’: regular hair cut and colours, regular blow waves, preventative botox, non-fat fillers, professional teeth whitening, eyelash extensions and refills, microdermabrasion, SNS nails, pedicures and laser hair removal.
All of these treatments easily amount to almost $15k a year!
Keep in mind that this total doesn't include other ‘staples’ such as waxing, spray tans, facials, skin care products and makeup.
The article fittingly ends with this poignant line:
It seems that any gains that have been made to women's earning potential and financial independence have been offset by the exponential and crippling cost of beauty.
Now, the point of this blog post isn’t to go on a tangent about how the beauty industry is warping our perceptions of what is important. Instead, I’d like to examine WHY we are investing so heavily in beauty - of all things - when it is something so temporary and fleeting? Why are we reducing our own worth to our mere appearance? Why are we being taught to fear ageing, and prevent it at all costs? It’s like trying to evade death. It’s a game we are never going to win.
We cannot ignore how big a part social media is playing in shaping these perceptions.
Every time we logon, we are being fed images of physically pretty people; displaying themselves in exotic locations, alongside luxury cars and goods. We are being sold the dream that youth and beauty are the be-all and end-all of a woman’s worth.
It would be easy to view these images, and come to the conclusion that you are not valuable unless you are: achieving, affluent, travelling or beautiful.
This is eroding our self esteem. Young, gullible minds are buying into these illusions. They have never known a world without social media; so have no perception of what is real or make believe.
They are being tricked into confusing pretty pictures for pretty lives.
Our world is in a very desperate place at the moment. Depression and suicide rates are rising. Yet society continues to place such a huge emphasis on beauty and material goods.
Does it make sense that we are placing such importance on ‘looking pretty’ when there is something much deeper going on? Will having a perfect face or body ease the pain that we are collectively feeling?
Or do we need something more meaningful and profound to take place to help us all to heal?
I honestly don’t have a solution as to how we can deal with the current obsession with impossible beauty standards. However, here are ten things that we can all do, to at least try to counteract the insanity:
1. BUILD EACH OTHER UP
First and foremost, let’s build each other up. DO NOT go on other women’s social media accounts and feel like you can freely critique them and the way they look. Other people’s lives are not yours to consume. Compliment women on how powerful, brilliant, kick-ass and intelligent they are; instead of praising only their physical beauty. If you see something beautiful in someone - tell them. Let’s put each other’s insecurities to rest. It may take a few seconds out of your day to praise someone; but you just never know the effect your positive comment might have on them. Don’t hold back.
2. DON’T LET SOCIAL MEDIA FOOL YOU
You never know what’s going on behind the scenes in peoples lives. Some people are experts at putting together a pretty feed full of pretty pictures that looks like they are leading a dream life; yet are struggling in real life. Other people may take shit photos and have a shambles of a feed; yet be thriving in real life. You just never know what is going on in people’s ACTUAL lives. Don’t let social media trick you into believing that everyone but you is living a perfect life. Everyone struggles. Some just hide the struggle better than others.
3. TEACH OUR DAUGHTERS TO WORRY LESS ABOUT HOW THEY LOOK
Let’s teach our daughters to worry less about what they look like, and focus more on what wonderful people they are. Let’s raise them to realise that their value does not lie in their appearance; and encourage them to be brave, bold and ambitious humans. Let’s build them up to be confident and wise enough to see straight through the false ideals that society and social media are trying to teach them about beauty and their worth. Let’s make them realise the importance of being beautiful people, instead of being pretty girls.
4. TAKE A GOOD LOOK IN THE MIRROR
This may be difficult, but take a good long look in the mirror. Drink in all the details of your face and body. Every curve, freckle, stretch mark, dimple, and scar. Instead of thinking about what you 'need to fix’ or what you 'should work on’, try to completely and utterly accept yourself exactly as you are right this minute. Only when you truly accept yourself in your current physical form will you be free from the illusions of social media. Appreciate your physical shell for everything it does for you, and realise you deserve to be in this space as much as anybody else.
5. UPGRADE YOUR MINDSET
Upgrade your mindset. Seek out new people who can teach you amazing things. Feed your mind with the content of new books, and open your world to new teachings. There is so much out there for you to learn and devour. Don’t waste your time on earth being obsessed with how you look, when your physical appearance is such a minor detail in the scheme of life. Surround yourself with people who are focused on expanding their lives for the better. People who have vision and aren’t preoccupied with physical appearances. You become what you surround yourself with.
6. REMIND YOURSELF OF WHERE REAL HAPPINESS LIES
If you scroll through social media, you are constantly bombarded with images of pretty people selling you the illusion that you will find happiness through being physically beautiful and owning expensive things. Don’t get it twisted. Focus on what is ‘real’. You will never find joy or content through material things. Trust me, no one is going to stand up at your funeral and say, “She had perfect eyebrows, a cool jeep and some great fake boobs.” They just won’t. Focus on developing your ‘real’ qualities; instead of only focusing on the surface.
7. PRACTICE GRATITUDE AND DON’T COMPARE YOURSELF TO OTHERS
Social media has pitted us all against each other in a life comparison competition. Remember this when you are scrolling through endless perfect feeds. Try not to compare your life with others. As I mentioned earlier, you just never know what is really happening behind the scenes. Appreciate the things that you already have in your life. Count the blessings that currently make up your world. The people, places, opportunities and intricacies that make you uniquely you. Focus on what you already have, rather than what you want or wish you had.
8. REST. REFLECT. DO THE INNER WORK.
Don’t buy into the whole social media ethos of having to frantically chase paper, hustle and work yourself to the bone to be successful. You don’t. This is another social media illusion. Success comes in so many different forms - not just monetary. Don’t become consumed by such a shallow definition of success, which is heavily focused on material objects. Take time out to rest and replenish your spirit. Reflect on how you doing internally, and whether you are in alignment with your spirit and surroundings. Do the inner work to make your soul happy. You are more than just a face or body.
9. EDIT YOUR SOCIAL MEDIA FEEDS.
In the same way that you need to be careful who you surround yourself with; be vigilant with who you follow on social media. Take notice of how you actually feel when you are browsing a page. Do you find yourself questioning your own worth or feeling insecure about your body after visiting a page? If so, unfollow. Listen to the inner voice that navigates what is right for you, and edit what you see on social media. Who and what you choose to follow can transform and shape your thoughts and self-esteem, whether you want to admit it or not.
10. REMEMBER WHAT IS REAL AND TRUE.
Do not buy into the illusions that are being sold to you. You do not have to have a perfect body. You do not have to have thousands of followers. You do not have to have a wrinkle-free face or an hour-glass figure. You do not have to own luxury label clothing or cars; or travel the world. You are important, worthy and successful just the way you are. At the end of the day we are only fooling ourselves with these gimmicks. We are all ageing - unless we are dead. And so ageing is actually a beautiful thing. The sooner we grasp onto what is real and truthful, the sooner we can accept reality and break free from the pain of trying to reach standards that are simply unattainable.
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