The Time I Stayed Silent for 10 Days

A few years ago, I was at one of the lowest points in my life. I was figuratively and literally lost. Desperate to seek refuge somewhere; but not sure where to look. I didn’t know what direction to go in.

All I knew was, I was angry, upset and depressed.

When I was in the middle of this funk; a friend suggested that I try something called ‘Vipassana’.

Now, I’m uber suspect of anything that gives me even a hint of being cultish; and the word ‘Vipassana’ itself made me raise my eyebrows.

However, I listened politely as she told me how she had tried it, and it had changed her life.

I found out that it was a ten day, non-religious meditation retreat (tucked away in a secluded location) where you remain completely silent. No talking, writing, reading, or listening to music. A place to purely get lost in your own thoughts, without any outside distraction.

I was super stressed at the time, and a meditation retreat sounded like heaven.

I imagined relaxing days spent indulgently lounging in peace; as I quietly pondered the meaning of life. A sweet escape. I would bliss out on vegetarian food, totally unbothered by real life. Better yet; I wouldn’t have to talk to any one for a whole fortnight! (Shows where my headspace was at at the time.) I was sold.

As I drove up the long driveway towards the Vipassana retreat, I felt nervous and excited. The setting was absolutely gorgeous; surrounded by woods and fresh greenery. We were each allocated simple living quarters; and there was a cool, ‘school-camp’ like vibe going on. The place was filled with an eclectic bunch of people - young, old, hippy-looking, straight. There were even a couple of pregnant women.

When the vow of silence first started, we were instructed to not look anyone else in the eyes; and to try and remain inwardly focused only. To become conscious and aware of our own thoughts. I couldn’t wait to launch into it.

Well, shit. I got the shock of my life. This was no relaxing retreat. It was hours of intense daily classes of meditation; breaking only for meals and short rests. We had to sit painstakingly still on the floor; aiming not to move at all during each session.

It was hell.

My back ached. I had pins and needles. My nose was itchy and I couldn’t scratch it. There were a million reasons I didn’t want to be there - and that was the just the physical ones.

The worst thing was; I was stuck within my own head - completely alone. No books, movies or music to distract me from my own thoughts.

I spent the first two thirds of the retreat in agony. I dreaded and resented each and every meditation session.

I sat for hours, ruminating over everything bad that had ever happened to me. In. My. Entire. Life. Without any outside distractions; I vividly relived negative past events and scenarios.

My mind was filled with the most wild memories.

I rehashed everything from primary school yard fights; to arguments with loved ones. They all flashed through my head on a furious, endless loop. It was so intense that I could literally feel anger, shame and sadness coursing through my veins with each memory.

There was no-one to vent to. No paper to write it all out. I would sit in silence, trembling with rage; wondering what I had done to have had such bad luck in my life. I was convinced that no one else in the history of mankind had endured as much anguish as I had. I felt desperately sorry for myself.

I considered pulling aside one the course leaders, to tell them what excruciating torture I was going through.

If they only knew how sore my body was, and how painful my thoughts were; there’s no way they would expect me to keep suffering through the meditation sessions. They would whisk me away and let me rest instead - wouldn’t they?

Because they would realise that my level of pain was far worse than what anyone else here was experiencing…

Wasn’t it?

Suddenly, it was like a veil had lifted.

I began to realise just how toxic my thought patterns were.

I was holding one big pity party inside my own head. I was wasting time dwelling on negative past experiences - things that couldn’t be changed. Filling my mind with thoughts that were of no use to me.

I also became aware that my pain was no worse than anyone else there. I wasn’t special. We were all in the same boat, experiencing our own traumas that were invisible from the outside. My suffering was no greater than the next persons.

I felt free. It cleared up so much headspace.

I let go of grudges that had plagued me for years. Instead of feeling anger for people who had wronged me, I could suddenly see their behaviour through eyes of compassion and understanding.

Before I went on this 10 day silent retreat, I didn’t even realise the way I was operating. I wasn’t conscious of my thought-patterns. I was just living my life blindly, on auto-pilot. Allowing poisonous thoughts to run riot.

Take time throughout your day to regularly ‘audit’ what you are thinking. Listen to what is really going on in your mind. Notice the things you are saying in your head, and try to speak gently and kindly to yourself.

If you find yourself trapped by negative thoughts, train yourself to take a step back and ask: