Depression is such an insidious disease. It creeps into into peoples lives quietly. Gradually. Subtly.
A bit like silent poison gas.
It is one of the deadliest diseases on the planet.
The thing that makes depression even more dangerous is that it doesn’t have a ‘face’.
The signs can be extremely hard to look out for, and vary wildly from person to person. Where one person may cry, breakdown and withdraw from life; another may appear outwardly cheerful and carry on ‘as normal’.
There is no right or wrong way to have depression, and this is what makes it so difficult to tackle.
The statistics are absolutely dire. The number of people who have taken their own lives in New Zealand is the highest since records began. Suicide is now the leading cause of death in the US, killing more people than stomach cancer, breast cancer and Alzheimer's (according to the World Health Org).
And yet, somehow, the idea that ‘depression isn’t that bad’ still exists.
It is that bad.
Depression warps everything that you know to be true, and removes all hope from your life.
At your lowest, you imagine that you are the only person who has ever felt like this, and that no-one else in the entire world has ever felt as low as you do right now. You feel trapped and desperately alone.
There is so much information out there about all the different ways that depression can feel and manifest itself into our lives. However, there’s not so much info available about how to support and be there for someone you love who is battling this disease. Hopefully this list will help you if you’re currently going through this.
How To Be There For Someone Who Is Going Through Depression:
1. Don’t say “suck it up” or “get yourself together”
These are the last things your loved one needs to hear when they’re in the depths of despair. From an outside perspective it may seem as simple them just needing to ‘cheer up’ or look at life more positively. However, try to remember that they are being attacked from the inside from a horrible, invisible disease.
They are not merely ‘sad’ or ‘a bit down’.
2. Listen
It’s common to hear people with depression being told to ‘just reach out - out talk to someone - anyone’. It isn’t that easy. It takes strength and bravery to open up your wounds and reveal your innermost demons. If your loved one is at their absolute lowest, they literally may not have the energy to do this. Some may open up and talk; only to still feel completely despondent and alone. Either way, keep listening. Encourage talking. Let them know that you are there for them unequivocally, without judgement.
3. Know that your presence is appreciated
This is a hard one, as your loved one may try to push you away, or act as if they don’t want you around. They may make you feel like you’re a nuisance or an inconvenience. Ignore it. Keep showing up in their lives. Always check on how they are doing. Don’t stop dropping in for random cups of tea and a yarn - whether it seems like they want it or not.
4. Don’t make them feel any weirder than they already do
Depression lies. It intensifies every thought and emotion, and the most wild things may be running through your loved one’s mind. You don’t know what it has taken for them to be where they are at right now. It may have taken them hours of self-talk just to be brave enough to get out of bed to see you. Meet them where they are, and make sure they know that nothing is a big deal. They haven’t showered in days? So what. They’ve spent the week in bed?Who cares. Just be there and be careful not to show any sign of judgement.
5. In the words of Monica, don’t take it personal
Remember that depression is an illness. Things are going to be said and done that aren’t truely meant. Try to picture your loved one as if they have the flu. You wouldn’t get upset with them for acting up while they were going through that. The same is true with this hidden disease. In fact, some sufferers wish that they had a more visible disease, as it would make the pain seem easier. Don’t take anything personally. It’s not your fault.
6. Anticipate the ups and the downs
Depression can be like a rollercoaster with it’s ups and downs. Don’t jump the gun and think that just because your loved one is happy for one moment that is is proof of a recovery.
In the same token, don’t think that because they are feeling sad that it’s evidence of a relapse. It’s a long process. Let them know you’ve got them, and you’re in it for the long run.
7. Take away the stigma
Depression isn’t a weakness or something horribly embarrassing that you have to ‘admit to’ having. It isn’t a failing or a personality flaw. It’s not something to be hidden or ashamed of. It is simply a human experience.
1 in 5 people will get depression at some point in their lifetime. Let your loved one know that they are not alone.
8. Educate yourself
Encourage your loved one to talk to your about their experience. Educate yourself. Find out ways that you help out and ‘lessen the load’. It could be as simple as putting on a load of washing or calling them to see if there’s anything you can do. Menial tasks that may seem easy to you can seem unimaginable to someone with depression, so don’t underestimate the power of helping with ‘the little things’.
Most of all, keep adding to the conversation. Stay on the look out for others who want to join in the conversation.
DEPRESSION HELPLINE: 0800 111 757 LIFELINE: 0800 543 354 SAMARITANS: 0800 726 666 YOUTHLINE: 0800 376 633 or text 234 1737 NEED TO TALK? Call or text 1737
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