Yup. You read that right. This old hoarder is making an attempt at minimalist living. I recently packed a few of the most useful items I could think of into a suitcase, bought a one way ticket to Bali, and set off into the big wide world.
I’ve made a conscious decision to pare everything down. To see what life will be like if I exist with just a few pieces of clothing and some basic creative tools. What would make a grown, 41-year-old woman (a mother and grandmother at that) decide to do something so drastic? Fear.
Yes, fear.
I have spent what seems like an eternity drowning in fear. Without going too deeply into my back- story, the last few years have been like something out of Lemony Snicket. I’ve been through a series of back-to-back unfortunate events.
At first, I felt strong enough to cope with everything that was hurtling my way. I was skilled at dodging lemons - or at least catching them and squeezing them into lemonade!
I dealt with the stress by cramming as much into my life as possible. If I filled up all the gaps with work-work-work and to-do lists; there would be no room left for any tension or negative thoughts to seep in, right?
Wrong.
Little by little, my bubble eroded. I came to believe that if I wanted to live a life that was stable, secure and - above all - safe, I would need to make my world as small as possible. Fear became the only voice I listened to. It told me that if I wanted to survive I’d have to rid myself of spontaneity, coincidence and curiosity.
So I did.
And for a while it worked.
Everything became still. The chaos died down.
I felt like I could finally catch a breath. However, I became too comfortable, and something essential inside of me died.
Life was easier if I just…did…nothing.
I told myself that I was happy that way. I was so intoxicated by the feeling of safety that it took me years to realise that I was at a complete and utter standstill.
What I thought was my safe haven had actually become my jail. I was being smothered under the weight of anxiety, and paralysed by fear into inactivity.
From the cocoon of my bedcovers, I slowly began to wonder if there was more out there for me, and I began to search for answers.
“Do you have the courage to bring forth the treasures that are hidden within you?”
This a banger of a line from Elizabeth Gilbert’s book ‘Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear’. When I read it, it resonated with me on a deep and powerful level. I have been a writer my entire life. It is what I am passionate about, and it is essentially what I do best. So why haven’t I been doing it?
I’ve allowed myself to be driven more strongly by fear than by curiosity. This has meant that I have hidden away, stopped myself from shining and buried my talents. How sad is that?
After all, isn’t that what we are on this earth for? To share and contribute our unique gifts? To polish the gems that we have been given?
Little by little I began to realise that in order to ‘bring forth my treasures’ I would have to start from scratch. I would have to begin participating in life again. In a big way.
That is when I decided to break out of my comfort zone and take the radical step of booking a plane ticket to Bali and throwing caution to the wind. I’m going to travel across South East Asia and write, take pictures and capture beautiful moments as I go. I’m going to take a risk and chase a dream.
I’ve had to untangle myself from everything that I’m used to - everything that feels familiar - in order to grow. I am plunging into uncertainty, so that I can see the world with a new kind of clarity.
It has taken every ounce of courage that I have to step out of my ‘safe haven’. I have literally left behind everything and everyone I love. For the first time in years, I have let my guard down. I am in a vulnerable place.
A place where I don’t yet know what’s going to happen. Yet, a place where the possibilities are endless.
I am absolutely in love with Bali, and I have come here to get deliciously lost. It is a place where I feel most creatively on fire; where I can literally feel the energy of new ideas and exciting inspiration pulsing through my veins. I have come here to examine myself deeply, to stretch my limits, and to expand my world.
Am I terrified to be so far away from home and everything that I know? Yes. Terrified is an understatement. So far I haven’t had a day where I haven’t cried from the longing I feel in my heart to be close to my loved ones. However, my life had become so emotionally stagnant that every uneventful day had become a different kind terrifying in itself. Taking this drastic action has been my salvation.
They say a life with too much work erodes the body, but a life that requires too little effort depletes the soul. I found out the hard way that this is true.
My goal, for now, is to find a place between these two extremes. A place where I can continue to grow and nourish my wellbeing. I’ll let you know how I go…
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